• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.
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South West madness

It appears that Fire Chiefs in part of the South West have been stricken down by the famed South West P.D. madness. Whether they have contracted this from some of the south west’s Police or they are unaware of national media reports over the last few years is unclear but it seems they may have been be discriminating against white males in favour of black & ethnic minorities and women in their latest recruiting drive. They have been reported as having five recruiting open days where recruits can register their interest in joining the brigade. One these sessions is for white males on a Friday allegedly, but the other four are for either women or either gender from black and ethnic minority communities at a weekend or on an evening. This has led to claims that the Fire Service is actively carrying out positive discrimination. This has been deemed to be illegal, as some  Police Forces in the South West have found out already to their cost.  

I wonder how many failed white male applicants might consider taking them to court ?

Equal opportunities for some or for all ?

This is yet another area where a target for  female or ethnic  members of the workforce simply has to be reached, presumably to hit another target set by someone else as part of the bigger picture. 

It appears that the level playing field has a bit of a slope one way.


PC Jonathan Inglis & Police Dog Mac.


That is a big word to describe something.

A big word with a big meaning and clearly relating to a big relationship. A relationship that has an unfortunate ending.  This relationship between PC Jonathan Inglis and his Central Scotland Police Rottie team mate Mac has come to an unfortunate end. Mac had been diagnosed with bone cancer and was put to sleep earlier this month.  

Relationships like that between Jonathan and Mac are special. When they end it is sad and very humbling.

I have experienced this at first hand, the death of something this close has a deep and lasting affect on handlers and is a testament to the time, commitment and trust that forms the bond between the two.  My sincerest thoughts go to Jonathan and his family for they too will be sad at this loss.

Central Scotland Police has lost an outstanding dog.

Doing the Honourable thing.

FORMER cabinet minister Peter Hain has broken ranks with his Labour colleagues and backed a massive pay increase for police officers, so reports the Daily Mash.

Mr Hain said rampant inflation was a price worth paying for a happy and prosperous police force that could then devote much more of its time to hobbies and family life.

He added: “They are the best policemen in the history of the world and I think they should have as much money as they want. I do, I really do.”

Night Stalking.

I was driving around one of the industrial estates on the edge of the Brittania council estate during the early hours. Slowly, no lights, windows open, hoping against all the odds to be in the right place at the right time.

The schools are long out of the realm on nights unless an alarm goes off because of  the increase in spending from the education budget on CCTC and high spike topped security fences. It would have been better employing more teachers or buying more books but the burglars off the Brittania have different ideas. 

I catch a small and sudden dim glow of a light in the distance and stop on the hand brake. An interior light of a distant car had come on. There are two figures moving about, their dark silhouettes outlined by the feint dimness of the interior light. I continue and ask for any other spare units in the area or to make silently towards the industrial estate. Units are on their way so I drive slowly and quietly forward. The interior goes out accompanied by two large bangs as the doors of the car slam shut the the car accelerates fiercely away, no lights. I’m off after it , put on my own lights to see the index and relay what I think it is and almost immediately get a no trace so assume it must be wrong.

After narrowly missing some parked cars Schumacher in the car puts his lights on as we leave the industrial estate and drive towards civilisation. I have gained a little but remain about 80 or so yards behind. I cannot tell you what that is in metres.

The local units are listening to the locations and are furiously making for the usual decamp locations. Between giving a basic description of locations direction of travel and speed over the top of a howling beast I have to repeat most of my commentary at least twice. Everyone who matters understands.

After 11 minutes that seem like 30 minutes I pass the same junction into the Brittania Estate for the third or fourth and Bingo. Traffic are there in the junction. Not one but two. Two high performance machines with a double crew and just itching to take over.  Bingo with a capital B. Schumacher passes, I pass, the two traffic chariots come out of the junction and both pass  me as though I am stationary and take their place in the gap I have created for them by allowing the target vehicle to get away from me. I might have had difficulty in keeping up but it enhances my own driving credibility to suggest I allowed them a safe gap. The eye in the sky otherwise known as our Force copter has long gone to its roost due to low cloud base, flying hours or the fear of turning into something unpleasant after the witching hour has passed. In a matter of 400 yards I hear the phrase ‘convoy complete’ and I can sit back, enjoy the ride and try to keep up awaiting the decamp and the chance to send my mate.

These boys are good, very good. I cannot even see the target car. The commentary is also very good, in fact excellent. I know the road conditions, the other road users and general traffic conditions, their road speed every 5 seconds or so, the colour of the curtains at the junction of Acacia Avenue and High Street where most of the decamps occur next to the cycle track and also that the builders merchants have a two for one offer on ridge tiles.  One of the car dealerships has the new model in early this year. They are considerate and concise. Itis safe to continue. No one is in danger. There is so much detail but none that really interests me.  It is still safe to continue. I am following them, following them and  praying to the God of people who run away from the Police for the opportunity of a clean shot with no Police Officers in the way as alternative targets.

There is no vehicle description for continuity, no road speed of the target car. The car is gone, somewhere into the night. Is it still safe to continue. The car appears to have vanished. We have lost it. We know the index but are awaiting the result.

Then Bingo…….with an even bigger capital B.

Some of District have used their general Policing skills and have plotted up and have picked up the vehicle. We now have another confirmation of the number and a stolen vehicle from the bright lights of the City. These might not be locals and are not aware of all the best places to go for a bit of a night time jog. I follow the locations and then hear the word that Schumacher has crashed and two are out and running. Upon my arrival District have caught one and they state that the driver has gone to ground in an area they have got surrounded. He could run faster than the passenger and was in no mood to allow himself to be caught. There is little loyalty amongst people fleeing to avoid capture. Certainly it does not all count on the toss of a coin.

Two officers are hardly enough to surround anywhere so my mind changes this to having him cornered, somewhere out there in the undergrowth. If he is there we will find him.

The wind is playing havoc so I take a circular route to the far side of the area where our driver is likely to be, set up my friend and he is away. He goes to investigate the figure on a mound of high ground overlooking the scene.  He is one of ours. After a quick inspection he seems to know that this is not the person he is hunting.  As he quarters the search area he spins around suddenly and takes off back towards the officer on the high ground getting ever closer. His tail arches over his back. I know he has found what he seeks. He seeks the smell of his quarry, then locate the source of this smell. This will be another successful hunt. He is getting closer, his pace becomes even more urgent and suddenly up stands Schumacher, not 5 yards in front of the officer up on the high ground of the mound. My mate approaches and I shout for Schumacher to stand still. My mate leaves him in no doubt this is the only sensible thing to do. I force my way through the brambles eventually getting to Schumacher, get hold of my mate and I see that he has an unsightly stain down his trouser front. This is embarrassing and I hope his mum can forget stains and trusts pink.

District approach, cuff Schumacher and take him away. Now in safe protective custody he begins to shout and tell me how lucky the dog was, he could have injured the dog, he could have taken us all if he had wanted to, we were both lucky.  I realise that I am fortunate to survive the wrath of Schumacher. He is clearly not someone to be trifled with. I inspect the bramble scratches on my shins. I am clearly fortunate to have survived with only minor scratches. He let us all off on this occasion.

He also left an unusual stain on the seat of the Police car. We were lucky, we never had to smell it on the way back to the nick. 

Night Stalking, it works, sometimes.  I will meet Schumacher again.

Australia Day

Someone sent me this from across in Oz as itis Australia day, apparently. Don’t understand apart from a bit like any other national day but with beaches, sun and a few beers. The photo is amazing.


Dogs are like their owners.

Sybil Dartington-Smythe was having a small bit of a problem with her dog. It appeared that her small love bundle had become quite unexpectedly snappy, bless its little heart.

The small, furry and delightfully bulbous eyed little darling had apparently snapped at her ladyship’s hand when she tried to lift the little hyphenated sweetheart into the rear of her landrover discovery onto its (and this is not a joke)  quilted silk napping quilt. The little beastie simply would not enter the rear of the vehicle and she was simply far too distressed to lift tinkerbelle-hyphenated-fluffykins into the back of her vehicle. What was she to do ? She can phone her friendly officers at the CTC Constabulary, they have ‘people’ who deal with this type of thing. After all, this is an emergency. The unexpected but surprisingly convenient passing of a local unit returning to the supermarket of the upper-class masses to take yet another victim statement for the loss of another basket full of beef joints, large jars of coffee, some vodka and razorblades were assailed by the alleged mother of the dastardly vicious T-H-F. That detected crime completion will simply have to wait. There is an emergency taking place.

After a rather confused but still strange radio message, one of the people who deals with this sort of thing arrives to get the relevant info and the rather smug and eternally thankful local officers drive off to enter the store to find their witness to begin writing. The subtle innuendo of laughter masking their totally false concern etched on their faces and still haunts me, even to this day.

I see the very well tweed dressed Lady Sybil, as I call her, and the similarly arrogant thing masquerading as a dog. A small fluffy surrogate child of a thing with bulging eyes and more reminiscent of my daughters pyjama case than anything reminiscent of the canine form. This thing is overweight and in need of some serious exercise as well as a good slap to put it firmly into its place. The collar is fitting of our family cat. Now there is a picture of conceited arrogance if ever I saw it.  Tinkerbelle-hyphenated-fluffykins will simply not move his sorry arse from the floor and her ladyships efforts to load it into the back onto the security of its quilted silk napping quilt (otherwise known as a car blanket) have failed big time. She has a small scratch and has reacted like it was some major amputation. She is simply distraught.

I suggest she continues to put her shopping into the vehicle whilst I help the hyphenated furry one into the area of her car I call the boot of said discovery with a cheery ‘hup’ followed by a ‘good dog’.

I take the dog out again, put it into a sit, avoiding the slow growl at bodily contact by a human of a far lower class than it. Another sharp tug and ‘hup’ and little fluffykins flies upwards into the area still known as the boot. Almost by accident this appears to have worked out well again and the thing goes into a sit, just in time to see mummy come to see how her little darling is.

‘Sit, good dog. Hup, good dog.’  Another small tug on the sparkly piece of string cunningly camouflaged as a leash and one little darling is safely up onto its luxury quilted napping quilt.

Lady Sybil is deranged with pleasure at her little darling’s new found athleticism and response skills. Typical of the gratitude I have come to expect, she gets into her discovery and drives off towards the exit, completely oblivious to the world that exists outside of her small metal & glass enclosure.

‘Thank you officer’ I shout after her, waving a cheery goodbye.

I am trying to work out exactly which one was the more spoilt, ungrateful and arrogant. 

The names have been made up to protect the innocent, but probably reflect in a stereotypical way the names of the people involved have evolved. It was only a small tug on the leash I can assure you and probably the only form of discipline the dreadful little fluffykins has ever had to put up with.

May it rest in peace after dropping the largest and runniest load onto the thickest and most expensive carpet Lady Sybil has in her imaginary mansion. I suppose one of her staff would have to clean it up anyway. 

Thinking outside the box.

Well we have been inundated with meetings recently, not for the likes of everyday Police Officers but for the real decision makers up there in their towers at the sharp end of Policing strategy. Our family of Forces have so much in common with each other that they look for that little extra invention and originality to set them apart from their enforced family alliances and try to go that little bit further in being seen to be safe and feel safe, to work hard for the benefits of their communities or to ensure that they get it right first time and are seen to be putting the customer first. Citizen focus is important to us.

New and radical proposals have been put forward. Not wanting to be seen to be dismissive of such events there simply has to be a ‘business case’ put forward to justify anything that appears to be outside of the Policing box unless, of course, it happens to be one of the latest brainwaves of someone who is far too used to people saying yes. I am not talking about the man from del-monte here. This is nothing to do with fruit.

We at the CTC Constabulary have taken a useful and somewhat radical suggestion from one of our family of Forces and decided that we also feel the need to embed ourselves with another section of community. We have decided that we need chauffeurs to help ferry our officers around their patch to free up more Police cars. We welcome these new and innovative proposals. We are forming a review committee to research and oversee the cost effectiveness of this project.


We are not talking about lots of people in fetching grey suits and flat caps but sane, safe and trustworthy drivers who can take our colleagues to meetings, appointments and other non-emergency stuff and free up more officers to become available for the streets where they are most needed and all this within the nationally agreed speed limits.

This is not about free rides on public transport or commandeering auntie Flo as she pops out for a nice bit of Coley for pussykins. This is about careful, safe drivers who will flock to volunteer for the job. There are far too many marked Police cars just sitting about idly waiting to be driven around. Shame that the officers are not there to use them. Definitely no operational type of stuff , no prisoner transports or back up response. So what is the point of freeing up all these marked cars that are just sitting around idly ?

I can only trust that the perceived savings in officer time will not be swallowed up in advertising for potential candidates, selection processes, driver training, radios or mobile phones for contacting these chauffeurs. Perhaps a nice fluffy uniform of some form of ID badge could be commissioned.