• What You Measure is What You Get.

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  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
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    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

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    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
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Try saying……..instead of

Within the CTCC, they have recently undergone some ‘training’ in an effort to enlighten them and bring them up to date with the currently political correct hot subjects that appear to be put in place as some form of arse covering exercise. One of these diversity type issues included inappropriate language in the workplace, known locally round our way as swearing. I have some of my own views on this but have included some advice and some alternatives that could well be deemed to be appropriate.

Having a very mix of strategic geographical areas to cover with the CTCC (City, Town & County Constabulary) the various bases have collective terms by which they relate to each other. None of the comments are intended to be offensive or offer personal insult but are the friendly banter that has been taken and given as a small offer of humour to offset the darker things that exist. Not only is it now forbidden to engage in these so called inappropriate greetings or friendly banter but also a professional attitude at all times is the order of the day. Spontaneous outbreaks of morale by general piss-taking must stop forthwith. The ping pong of social friendly abuse between City ****ers, Town ****ers and County ****ers simply has to stop. We do not want people to be offended and get upset now do we.

And so it goes………………….

It  has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the  organisation have been using inappropriate language during the course of normal  conversation with their colleagues.

Due  to complaints received from some employees who have been offended, or some employees who might have been offended if they had been present when this type of inappropriate language may have been used, this type of  language will no longer be tolerated.

We  do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express  your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore,  a list of 13 New, strategic and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that  proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective  manner.

Try  Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead  Of:
You don’t have  a f***ing clue, do you?
Try  Saying:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
Instead  Of:
She’s a  f***ing power-crazy b*tch
Try  Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead  Of:
And when the  f*** do you expect me to do this?
Try  Saying:
I’m certain that isn’t feasible
Instead  Of:
F*** off , you got no chance…..
Try  Saying:
Instead  Of:
Well f*** me.
Try  Saying:
Perhaps you should check with…
Instead  Of:
Tell someone  who gives a f***.
Try  Saying:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
Instead  Of:
Not my f***ing  problem, mate.
Try  Saying:
That’s interesting.
Instead  Of:
What the  f***?
Try  Saying:
I’m not sure  this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead  Of:
No f***ing  chance mate.
Try  Saying:
It will be tight, but I’ll try to schedule it in
Instead  Of:
Why the f***  didn’t you tell me that yesterday?
Try  Saying:
He’s not  familiar with the issues
Instead  Of:
He’s got his  head up his f***ing a*se.
Try  Saying:
Excuse me,  sir?
Instead  Of:
Oi, s*** for brains.
Try  Saying:
Of course, I  was only going to be at home anyway
Instead  Of:
Yeah, who  needs f***ing holidays  anyway. Do you want blood as well.

2 Responses

  1. Hi, you don’t seem to have a ‘contact me’ form so I’d like to ask that you contact me, please. The reason is, I am writing a series of memoirs of my time as a cop in Cambridge and would like to use some of your material in my books.
    I am totally with you and would love for you to read my first memoir here for FREE! >> (http://www.amazon.co.uk/End-Road-The-Rozzers-ebook/dp/B0080ZWWFS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1360104745&sr=8-1).

    What I need to know is if I can use your ‘who am I?’ post and amend it slightly (to make it more for general cops and not just dog-handlers) and who to attribute it to (this blog???)

    I am available on diemburden@gmail.com.


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