The Dog Handler

The Dog Handler.       

A fable for a long and cold night…………or perhaps not.

 

Every shift a dog handler arrives for work.

 

The dog handler arrives early and begins work immediately. After booking on with comms by either phone or radio, or both, or even by the new and radical computerised booking on and off system that is not simple to use, if there is a computer available, he (for the purposes he is a he) gets his van and goes out onto the streets to offer his own form of specialist support to district response teams. When he gets some spare time he also trains his dog and directs his patrol time towards local crime target areas and current crime trends he finds out from the district response briefings which he attends regularly.

 

The dog handler works well and supplies a good level of support. He is really happy at work. They have a good relationship this dog handler and his district response colleagues.

He reports to his sergeant, who monitors his work and ensures that he trains his dog to a high standard. The dog handler is trusted to work without close supervision because he is a reliable, dedicated and responsible officer

 

On day, the chief superintendent was surprised to see that the dog handler was working without close supervision. Although there is a dog sergeant, this role is not a specialist management and leadership role.

 

He thought that if the dog handler could produce so much by working alone, how much more could be produced if the dog handler was properly supervised. Properly supervised by someone who had been schooled in the specifics of management and leadership. Supervised by someone who has a better understanding of the modern and innovative management and leadership styles.

 

So he recruited a superintendent who had extensive experience as a supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports.

 

The superintendent’s first decision was to set up a computerised booking on and booking off attendance system.

 

He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and …

 

… he  recruited a chief inspector, who managed the administration and monitored all the information he collected by tasking others to supply him. They also recruited a support staff member who made notes and typed their long reports. They also answered the phone, took messages and appeared to generally efficient about the office.

 

The chief superintendent was delighted with the superintendent’s reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe demand profile rates and to analyse trends, so that he could use them for presentations at the weekly senior management team‘s meetings.

 

So the chief inspector had to find some money from the budget to buy a new computer and a laser printer and  …

 

… recruited an inspector to manage the IT department.

 

The dog handler, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork to supply for the benefit of all the others and meetings which used up most of his time explaining what he did…! This seemed to make his life far more difficult than it should be. Far too much of his time was spent sending out seemingly worthless statistical data of what he did, how he did it and why he did not do the things that the management thought he should be doing. All this for the benefit of the organisation of course.

 

The chief superintendent looked at all the evidence put forward by the management. He looked at the graphs, projections and recommendations presented to him after a 6 month review and came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person in charge of the department where the dog handler worked.

 

The position was given to another inspector, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office.

 

The new person in charge, the inspector, also needed a computer and a personal assistant, a sergeant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimisation Plan …

 

The Department where the dog handler works is now a sad place, where nobody laughs anymore and everybody has become upset…motivation and moral are not trendy words any more.

 

It was at that time that the sergeant convinced the boss of the absolute necessity to start a full health and safety review, a shift pattern review, a health and safety awareness course, a diversity course, an activity monitoring scheme and put forward a business case proposal to reduce the vehicle fleet by 17%.  

 

Having reviewed the costs for running the dog handler’s department, the chief superintendent found out that the production was much less than before.

 

So he recruited another chief superintendent, a prestigious and renowned outside consultant to carry out a full review and viability study to see if the dogs section was financially viable and gave value for money. They created a working party to carry out this difficult an arduous task for 3 months.

 

After 3 months in the department they came up with an enormous report, in several volumes, that looked glossy and covered every fact in microscopic detail. There were several nice pictures included, some of which showed a police dog and its handler.

 

This report concluded:

 

“The department is overstaffed …and was unaffordable within the current budgetary constraints.” Considerable real time savings could be made and allocated towards better things that allowed the management to supervise and closely monitor how well their staff were working and their performance could be measured in relation to the set targets. A time and motion study into performance and how the working time directives affected the statutory provisions was deferred until the next budgetary quarter as it was likely to interfere with the monthly review of the strategic diversity involvement review committee’s 2^nd quarter review and assessment programme. 

 

Guess who the chief superintendent got rid of first?

 

The dog handler, of course, because he “showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude, appearing reluctant to support the management’s philosophy”.

 

Unfortunately there were not sufficient finances to allow for the GPS tracking for both the dog vans and the personal issue radios so these will have to wait until the Police Authority can get some money back from Icelandic banks or the Chief Superintendent can make further efficiency savings or reduce someone else’s budget to pay for them.

 

The characters in this fable are fictitious; any resemblance to real people or facts within any other organisation is pure coincidence…

Stunning.

  

Simply stunning.

The Firefighter.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside of his station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.

‘That sure is a nice fire truck,’ the firefighter said with admiration.

‘Thanks,’ the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

‘Little partner,’ the firefighter said, ‘I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.’

The little girl replied thoughtfully, ‘You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.’

ABC

The senior management of the CTCC have announced that the time wasting menace known as Activity Analysis & Monitoring is to be withdrawn following the Governments purge on bureaucracy. The decision is part of the aim to reduce needless paperwork and allow officers to spent more time on the streets, in the public eye.

The  analysis into the dreaded monitoring scheme where officers were ordered to supply statistical information for the benefit of management and government statisticians. The figures appear to show that officers were spending too much of their time completing paperwork.

This has been celebrated as a bureaucratic reduction. Not in the fact that it was a time wasting fiasco but that it is a positive effort to reduce paperwork. I’m sure that the figures covering form filling were far higher than was thought.

This was introduced as an attempt to monitor what was being done by frontline officers, to further waste their valuable time by adding to their already considerable admin burden and supply the information for the benefit of those who will sit on their arses analysing this ‘valuable data’. It was another indication of the measuring and convenient management preferences that seem to be in vogue.

Activity based costing………………….good riddance.

My cynical side tells me that there will be something else that will replace this under the cloak of  efficiency/reform/monitoring simply because the Government and their civil servants, along with the top Police seat polishers will, be after something else to submit in its place to try to show how well they are doing. My guesses are that this will by way of a new and radical computerised data input system, which will cost a fortune and be the new way forward.  We may even try to market this to various of our family organisations to try to cover some of the costs. The multi-coloured chart or graph displays look impressive to those who understand business plans, budgets and the ‘bigger picture’ but have long since removed themselves from the basics of ground level Policing. It will give them something to talk about over coffee and will keep the ever inventive and resourceful safe in their jobs off the streets and cemented at the cutting edge hidden under the umbrella of management and leadership accountability.

Crime sentencing policy in China.

The picture appears to show the police leading away a suspect. It could be that nothing is further from the truth. If you are convicted of one of the many offences that carries the death penalty in China then expect no mercy.

Welcome to the high tech ‘death van’. The number of executions is expected to rise to a staggering 10,000 people this year (not an impossible figure given that at least 68 crimes – including tax evasion and fraud – are punishable by death in China).

Developed by Jinguan Auto, which also makes bullet-proof limousines for the new rich in this vast country of 1.3 billion people, the vans appear unremarkable.

They cost £60,000, can reach top speeds of 80mph and look like a police vehicle on patrol. Inside, however, the ‘death vans’ look more like operating theatres.

Executions are monitored by video to ensure they comply with strict rules, making it possible to describe precisely how Jiang Yong will die. After being sedated at the local prison, he will be loaded into the van and strapped to an electric-powered stretcher.

This then glides automatically towards the centre of the van, where doctors will administer three drugs: sodium thiopental to cause unconsciousness; pancuronium bromide to stop breathing and, finally, potassium chloride to stop the heart.

Death is reputed to be quick and painless – not that there is anyone to testify to this. The idea for such a ‘modern’ scheme is rooted in one of the darkest episodes in human history.

There is a simple message. Don’t commit serious crime in China.

I don’t know how this was kept quiet in the run up to the Olympic games last year.

One dog went to mow…………..

Hope, a white German Shepherd, is a dab paw around the garden as he shows off his skills with the Flymo at his home in Sutton Coldfield.

The four-year-old, who was the winner of National Pet Month in April 2008, can also play the piano, claim organisers of a new talent show.

I must train mine to do this because he could then be useful on my rest days.

Job Vacancy.

If it had been presented this way, I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!

PARENT – Job Description

POSITION : Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION : Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : You must having a laugh, you should be on the stage. Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses as a way of getting the most simple menial tasks done to a low standard. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more..

BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.  Risk assessment and health & safety legislation is non-enforceable in this area.

** AND A FOOTNOTE — THERE IS NO RETIREMENT — EVER!!! **

If you are fortunate enough you will become grandparents!