The Havoc Makers. Part 1.

An educated Police elite has taken refuge in setting up irrelevant specialist departments. So was created the voracious giant known as support services, research & development & career review etc.

It-is frightening to see how many academics it takes to fill those departments. They do not get involved with the public at large and the vast majority are a waste of money. They are not staffed by Police Officers. These people have no intention of serving the community at large. They create havoc, instigating idiotic and irrelevant in depth studies, all of which cost a fortune, they themselves remain in the veiled secret society of the nine to five, Monday to Friday support service. On their salaries why should they care about anything else.

The academics soon realised that having achieved the first objective, get off the streets, they were missing out on promotion. So they just ignored the service outside and started promoting each other. They created a great cauldron into which they all jump, the Chief Constable stirs and when a certain cooking time is reached, up a rank they go. The occasional disaster occurs when one of them has to leave the mother-care environment but fortunately its not long before they are rescued and repatriated to the cauldron.

The end result is an academic Police service, high salaries are being paid to people in purely administrative posts, which for some unaccountable reason require high rank.

These people who have been so successful in the Police service would have been utter failures in a competitive industrial environment. Their objective was simple, get promoted quickly, become a senior Policeman. They were however, very blinkered, their education had not prepared them for the fact that all 24 hours of the day were our responsibility. The shock of 3 shifts in sometimes hostile circumstances was not at all appealing. A simple solution was found, redesign the Police Force, only the proles need suffer the inconveniences of Police work, the educated elite could take refuge in specialist departments.

Pt2 & ack to follow

Payrise……..Brilliant news.

I have been looking around the asylum but am unable to find any lunatics at all, anywhere. It appears that they have all been replaced with accountants. 

It appears that the accountants have replaced the lunatics and are now running the asylum.

The good news on the current pay settlement is that Arbitration has been carried out by a standing Police Arbitration Tribunal (PAT), which operates under the auspices of the Advisory, Conciliation and Arbitration Service (ACAS). The PAT consists of three arbitrators appointed by the Prime Minister.

Now that makes it all clear and I am convinced that this is totally impartial and not in any way subject to Government influences.

I wonder where the lunatics have gone ?

lunatics……..asylum………deckchairs………titanic………..iceberg………beans…………counters……………shafting stick………..what comes next ?

Oh yes………….accountants, I forgot, they are now in charge.

The Home Office, like all government departments, appears to be ordered by the Treasury to make efficiency savings and wants to negotiate a new deal with the police that is claimed to bring the Police Pay negotiation machinery to a modernised level.

They will be merging large Government departments next to save money, oops, I meant to make them more efficient. 

Thank You.

To the Labour Government and its proud support of the Police Officers all around the country.  I say a great big Thank You.

Thank You for the fantastic support you give everyone of us with the outstanding show of solidarity behind us and your intent on showing how you value us. Your appreciation is somehow overwhelming.

You can now move forward with a clear conscience because you have not awarded us an annual pay increase. This has been taken out of your hands by an arbitration body. 

You will be glad to know that your efforts to completely remove our agreed pay formula has gone the way you always intended and is as good as dead in the water.

I hope you are proud and that you continue to show your confidence and support to the brave officers you claim to value and regard highly. These same officers put their lives on the line every minute, of every hour, of every day, for every day of the year. Year in and year out. Without fail.

The increasing list of those killed and injured in the line of their duty is testament to this fact. This fact is not made up, itis real and is happenning. It happenned yesterday, it will happen today and it will happen tomorrow.

I feel like the football club manager who has just left the director’s office with the vote of confidence and the total backing of the board.  I just know the knife is out there somewhere, behind me.

I hope you are pleased. You will have hit a target somewhere and can rejoice in your achievments. 

That letter.

Well I arrived home from work this afternoon to find that amongst all the other junk mail on the mat was a brown envelope from that tried and trusted entity otherwise known as the  HM Revenue & Customs. I thought this might be worth a look before heading for the interior of the recycle box. This is the wonderful offspring of another attempt at an arranged marriage between Government departments to give ‘value for money’.   Efficiency I think was one of the words used amongst others used by people who try to convince everyone that shit really can roll uphill.

Anyway, upon opening said brown envelope it appears that there has been a minor lapse and the details of me, my wife and children may have been released out into the population by some form of strange and unfortunate error.

I am deeply heartened to receive a sincere apology from the acting chairman after he acknowledged  the fact that a copy of  ‘some HMRC data’  has been lost. This data is thought to still be on Government property but the good news is that Police are conducting a search.  I have not yet been called in to assist. I have checked in the kennel and it most definately is not in there.

You can bet your arse that who ever’s fault itis it will not be Government linked.

The usual sloping shoulders behaviour has been shown with ministerial verve and confirmation that they are working ‘as hard as they can’ to help resolve the issue. I understand that they have already laid the blame with some junior jobsworth and suggested that a lower form of pondlife is somehow accidentally responsible. Not once it seems but perhaps as many as 6 times.

Next comes the claim that the Government have spent more than ever on the HMRC, as they claim to have done on just about every problem there has ever been.

There is a suspicious trend emerging here.

We are working harder than ever to ………blah blah blah.

We have spent more money than any other Government…..blah blah blah.

We fully support our………….blah blah blah.

Now just pick a subject to fill in the space…..Armed Forces, Emergency Services, Schools, Animal diseases, perceived pressures caused by the perceived immigration issues, care of the elderly most of who have contributed for their whole life, hospitals, etc etc etc.

My message is simple.

Instead of spending more money than ever on promoting the brand why don’t you spend the money better on making sure that the product is right in the first place ? Why waste money promoting something that has a problem when you should be ensuring that itis right at the first attempt ?

If itis something that is worthwhile to the Country and actually within the Country instead of perhaps Uganda, then that might help

PS.          HMRC, Thanks for the letter anyway.

PPS.       Have look over at the Daily Mash, there is a different take on this.

 Gordon Brown was not amused and has taken steps to discipline his chancellor.

Near misses.

We have a problem with RTAs now called RTCs because they are collisions and are not caused by accident but because of careless, inconsiderate or dangerous driving. Some of them are caused by bad driving, simple as that.

In India they have a simple method of traffic control. This. It seems to work. I don’t quite understand how but despite the number of ‘near misses’ as the health & safety stormtroopers say, no-one was hurt in the making of this film.

What a difference a day makes.

Well there I am driving towards part of the metropolis that is affectionately known as HQ amongst other things within the CTC Constabulary. I approach the barrier that allows me into the delightful place and the security guard displays wonderful observations, allowing me to enter the inner sanctum with a cheery wave. He is vigilant and on the ball. He can recognise the fully marked up and noisy shaking dog van. Now the problems begin. Where the bloody hell do I park my fully marked police vehicle. I am here on official business yet it seems that I am unable to park almost anywhere at all. I am not fortunate enough to have my own allocated bay, I dare not park on any verge else I incur the wrath of one of the non-police support sharks, I even more dare not park in one of the marked disabled bays, even though all are empty, running the risk of yet more grief. I will only be here for a couple of minutes (now where have I heard that before ?). I drive around the myriad of car parks, through the fields that are now car parks and find one amongst the places left by those who can’t park in a marked bay to save their lives.  Let’s see, 2 cars in 3 bays………… not very good. Itis well away from any of the buildings inhabited by those whose distain of a noisy dog will not be tested. I walk several hundred yards to get to my destination after asking directions and suffering the looks of those who think I represent the smeg end of the gene pool. I recognise several faces and think to myself, ‘they were police officers, once.’ but then again they still are, somewhere. They appear relaxed and look remarkably well, I can even remember some of their names.

I complete my task which involves signing, in triplicate, some paperwork to justify someone elses demands and then head back to find my vehicle. I feel uncomfortable, like some form of intruder. Then I’m off, back into reality, exiting the place with a series of cheery waves and luckily no calls during my visit or extended hike to and from my only available place to park. Life, it seems, is quieter and less hassle for them once I have left.

So there I am driving towards the part of the metropolis that is affectionately known as HQ amongst other things within the CTC Constabulary. I approach the barrier that allows me into the delightful place, I have to press a button and discuss the relevance of my visit and whilst explaining the barrier is raised and my entrance allowed into the hallowed and sacred grounds. No security staff to allow me access this time. I am subject to the cold and emotionless scrutiny of the CCTV camera. I am here on official business, again, in my fully marked police vehicle, yet it seems that I am able to park almost anywhere. I cleverly decide to by-pass the special allocated bays as I am sure that none have my name across them. I immediately decide against the disabled bays or the verges incase one of the sharks decides to scan the CCTV footage for such a serious and heinous offence. I drive around the myriad of car parks, through the fields that are now car parks and find any number of spare spaces, in fact almost all of the spaces are empty. I become confused for choice. I stop, look around and take a few deep breaths. This could be a big decision.

I opt for a place near to the disabled bays, again all empty, but not on the verge, the I enter the inner sanctum, complete my task and bid a fond farewell to absolutely no-one before driving out.

I have seen  no-one at all.  I have nothing to sign, this is always a good move. I collect what has been just left for me to collect. Where are all the people, have they gone missing ?

Why should there be such a contrast as this is only a matter of days between the two visits. I leave, confused, bemused and a little worried.

I am reassured by the fact that everything returns to normal on tomorrow  morning.

Swapping 24/7 for 24/7 ?

There are moves afoot to get more coppers on the beat. It is about time.

This is a welcome move, but at what cost ? Certainly not at the expense of recruiting more sworn officers. Perhaps Forces are cutting costs to afford the finance of more PCSOs ?

Specialist departments in some Forces are to be reduced in an effort to increase ‘front line’ troops and with no extra finances this must come from already stretched resources.

A Force has already decided to reduce numbers from its Road Traffic department and its Dogs Section to allow more officers to hit the streets.

It may have been better to try to get officers out of offices and from behind desks to increase the numbers of front line officers.

After all, the Road Traffic department have the targets of reducing serious injuries and fatalities as a result of road collisions. They happen to work 24/7 as well.

General purpose dogs and their handlers are one of the busiest specialist response units whose attendance and support is welcomed by front line response officers on a regular basis. They happen to work 24/7 as well. 

Somewhere along the line the bean counters and their allies see disbanding units that offer an incredibly specialist and valuable service (at a financial cost admittedly) the chance to become the target of ‘efficiency savings’  to allow them to promote the brand and reduce the effective frontline support.

Itis clear that the people behind decisions or consultation linked to decisions like this are not in the frontline themselves, nor have they a true understanding of what is on offer to the busy and often overstretched response units.

The support following crime, disorder, dispersal, location of people and property, the reassurance to public and officers as well as what is often the first back-up support to response units at spontaneous incidents make the consideration of this an idea a daft idea borne out of a different perspective of the world.

Removing 24/7 resources to put more police on the streets is absolutely baffling, if only because they are  policing 24/7 in the first place. 

I suspect that someone will be able to enhance their CV prospects as a result.

Efficiency savings………………………..how wonderful.

All we need now is a catchy new mission statement or perhaps an even catchier vision statement that projects the corporate image and we have a real winner on our hands.

Cats V’s Dogs.

DOG DIARY

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite!

11:00 am – Went to the vet. Bummer.

12:00 pm – Lunch! My favorite!

1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite!

5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite!

7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite!

8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite!

11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. I feel tired.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. I am so, so tired.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. But I feel tired.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. I must find somewhere for a little nap

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. I should really go back to sleep.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. This tired me a lot. I need to sleep.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. B * stards! Under the radiator looks cosy & warm, I will sleep there.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. I will think about this while I sleep.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow – but at the top of the stairs. I woke up and left a small present for the, I wonder if they will find it.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. I’ve only had 18 hours of sleep today, I must try to get my usual amount tomorrow.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe — For now. I will think about how to despatch him whilst I sleep. 

Bad day at work

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the Thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.Be very sure you get this brand.  When you get home, lock your doors, Draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be Disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing, get yourself a drink and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.  Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Is personally tested”.

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

“I am so GLAD I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.”

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS.

Have a nice day!

“Life is a gift, not a threat.”

Sgt Terry Bryan

When I have experienced a busy shift, when I have been run ragged, been in real danger, been injured, been extremely cold, wet, ache from exhaustion, am too tired to write my statement and sometimes even to drive home, I put things into a little perspective.

I do this because I am a realist. I enjoy what I do because I feel that I can make a difference, even just a little difference, a difference to someone else.

I read this and although my risks are no-where near the same level, the reasons behind it are the same.  If you have never heard of Sgt Terry Bryan then I ask you read the article. It will take only a few minutes of your time.

I greatly admire and respect that sort of commitment to supporting to colleagues and the determination show in the face of real adversity, real hatred.

There are many people who are happy for someone else to do these things.  There are many people who support the people who do these things because they realise what it takes to do so.

Sadly, there are far too many people who fail to recognise the strength of character and determination needed. As a result they say one thing but do another for the wrong reasons, sometimes because they have an agenda that lives in the shadows.   

Reasons like that that are an insult to people like Sgt Terry Bryan.  Luckily for us, there are many, many people like Sgt Terry Bryan.