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    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
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Whats the difference ?

Thanks Theo.

Instructions on how to feed a pill to a cat.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bxxxxxxx’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Instructions on how to feed a pill to a dog.

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.


19 Responses

  1. :-)) have seen that before love it. What you left out was drop a tablet that is dangerous for the cat on the floor and they will get, and swallow it faster than the eye can blink.

    Leave tablets sealed and wrapped in foil in the box, so there is no smell or visual aid and the dog will happily devour the lot. Try and get the same dog to take a pill it needs and you have no chance.

    And finally how to upset a police drugs dog… put him in the kennel just under the dangerous drugs cabinet. (we worked out eventually why the dog was unsettled, once moved he curled up and went to sleep)

  2. Not seen that one before, very funny and often quite true.

    One of mine you just prise her mouth open and drop the pill in rub her throat for a minute and its gone, the other I can imagine would claw me to death in the process…xx

  3. I still have the scar from the last time I tried to feed a worming tablet to my cat.
    I get the vet to do it these days.
    The same vicious clawing monster (the cat not the vet) is currently lying across my lap purring like a tractor.

  4. try coating pill in marmite, or fish paste.
    regards john gibson

  5. Think I have a cat with delusions of being a dog (or an extremely daft cat). Take tin opener out of drawer and place on side. Take pill from foil, put in mouth, put down cat. Cat swallows pill. Pick up tin opener and put back in the drawer. Poor thing thinks that I’m about to open a tin of tuna and waits for his treat!

  6. Tickle cat under chin when mouth is forced closed — cat then often will swallow pill

  7. I for one am a cat type and an actual white man and therefore actually able to be by myself for more than ten minutes at a time without breaking out in a rash, and so I positively do NOT need that drooling, obnoxious, arse-licking, Hitlerite lackwit “devotion.” On the other hand, I don’t go out of my way to run over “dorgs.” But, oh Jesus Christ, what a load of wet abject morons….

  8. See also “Cat bathing as a martial art”.

    Cadbury (I’d just like to say: “psychoceramic”) Moose.

  9. ‘Bodwyn Wook’ What a wanker you are.

    Back to the story. Loved it. The more I read, the more I laughed. It certainly struck a cord with me!

  10. Bodwyn Wook l can not see any self respecting cat living with you. The egos would clash and the cat move on. Thing is the cat can carry an ego you have appear to have trouble carrying a brain cell.

  11. ‘Dave Th’ Dorg’, miaow, eh?

  12. Now Now children!

  13. I have two cats (and the scars from bathing/worming them) & a rat pretending to be a dog (half & half jack russell/yorkie) & I nearly peed myself reading this… then I got grin cramps from laughing as I read it to the other half. 😀

  14. That’s what a vet’s for!

    Unfortunately, they don’t do troll hunting.

  15. No thats what a vetnurse is for. We is the troops cause “da vets” do not like to get sore hands.

    And thats what a pillpopper is for. Us vetnurses, so we do not get sore hands.

  16. My late, beloved dog would have caught the end of the bacon, let the pill drop harmlessly to the floor, ate the bacon and walked away laughing to herself.

  17. Yep, I use a pill popper too, but I still need to wrap the other sharp, fast moving bits otherwise shredded arms result. ;o)

  18. And when you have done with the small stuff, try ‘drenching’ an unwilling bovine!

  19. Why do vets always make it look so flamin’ easy?

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