• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
  • Recent Posts

  • Recent Comments

    whichendbites on Try saying……..inst…
    Diem Burden on Try saying……..inst…
    Diem Burden on Who am I ?
    Dogman on Section within a section, with…
    annettes blog on Ghost of Christmas past……
  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.

Whats the difference ?

Thanks Theo.

Instructions on how to feed a pill to a cat.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bxxxxxxx’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Instructions on how to feed a pill to a dog.

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Advertisements

19 Responses

  1. :-)) have seen that before love it. What you left out was drop a tablet that is dangerous for the cat on the floor and they will get, and swallow it faster than the eye can blink.

    Leave tablets sealed and wrapped in foil in the box, so there is no smell or visual aid and the dog will happily devour the lot. Try and get the same dog to take a pill it needs and you have no chance.

    And finally how to upset a police drugs dog… put him in the kennel just under the dangerous drugs cabinet. (we worked out eventually why the dog was unsettled, once moved he curled up and went to sleep)

  2. Not seen that one before, very funny and often quite true.

    One of mine you just prise her mouth open and drop the pill in rub her throat for a minute and its gone, the other I can imagine would claw me to death in the process…xx

  3. I still have the scar from the last time I tried to feed a worming tablet to my cat.
    I get the vet to do it these days.
    The same vicious clawing monster (the cat not the vet) is currently lying across my lap purring like a tractor.

  4. try coating pill in marmite, or fish paste.
    regards john gibson

  5. Think I have a cat with delusions of being a dog (or an extremely daft cat). Take tin opener out of drawer and place on side. Take pill from foil, put in mouth, put down cat. Cat swallows pill. Pick up tin opener and put back in the drawer. Poor thing thinks that I’m about to open a tin of tuna and waits for his treat!

  6. Tickle cat under chin when mouth is forced closed — cat then often will swallow pill

  7. I for one am a cat type and an actual white man and therefore actually able to be by myself for more than ten minutes at a time without breaking out in a rash, and so I positively do NOT need that drooling, obnoxious, arse-licking, Hitlerite lackwit “devotion.” On the other hand, I don’t go out of my way to run over “dorgs.” But, oh Jesus Christ, what a load of wet abject morons….

  8. See also “Cat bathing as a martial art”.

    Cadbury (I’d just like to say: “psychoceramic”) Moose.

  9. ‘Bodwyn Wook’ What a wanker you are.

    Back to the story. Loved it. The more I read, the more I laughed. It certainly struck a cord with me!

  10. Bodwyn Wook l can not see any self respecting cat living with you. The egos would clash and the cat move on. Thing is the cat can carry an ego you have appear to have trouble carrying a brain cell.

  11. ‘Dave Th’ Dorg’, miaow, eh?

  12. Now Now children!

  13. I have two cats (and the scars from bathing/worming them) & a rat pretending to be a dog (half & half jack russell/yorkie) & I nearly peed myself reading this… then I got grin cramps from laughing as I read it to the other half. 😀

  14. That’s what a vet’s for!

    Unfortunately, they don’t do troll hunting.

  15. No thats what a vetnurse is for. We is the troops cause “da vets” do not like to get sore hands.

    And thats what a pillpopper is for. Us vetnurses, so we do not get sore hands.

  16. My late, beloved dog would have caught the end of the bacon, let the pill drop harmlessly to the floor, ate the bacon and walked away laughing to herself.

  17. Yep, I use a pill popper too, but I still need to wrap the other sharp, fast moving bits otherwise shredded arms result. ;o)

  18. And when you have done with the small stuff, try ‘drenching’ an unwilling bovine!

  19. Why do vets always make it look so flamin’ easy?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: