• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
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    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
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    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.
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Pet Owners.

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door – about snout height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.

The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Formula 1 and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you will ever run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and takes the piss.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, whinge or try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance / supervision is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats butt.  I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets

1.  They live here.  You don’t!
2.  If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off  the furniture.
(That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3.  I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.  To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

5. Don’t threaten me on my own doorstep. I have a dog. It has teeth. You might not be able to wipe your arse again properly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1.  Eat less.
2.  Don’t ask for money all the time.
3.  Are easier to train.
4.  Usually come when called.
5.  Never drive your car.
6.  Never lie or talk back to you.
7.  Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
8.  Don’t smoke or drink.
9.  Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
10. Don’t wear your clothes.
11. Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and…
12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children. 


9 Responses

  1. And this is why the parents already love Ben (failed Police dog, but VERY successful con artist) more than they love me!
    less than a week and he’s already giving me a look which clearly says ‘Ha ha ha , eating out of my paw, they’re eating out of my paw’

    message to Ben:
    1) When they go on holiday, I will be looking after you at MY house
    2) Yes, the cat HAS only got 3 legs……………but he gave you a good swipe on the hooter didn’t he!
    3) You aint met the kids yet!

    Sorry WEB, Ben will not be reading your post, he will get ideas above his station.

    But the parents seem happy……………………if I have to see his party piece of “leaving the biscuit alone until told he can have it” trick one more time……………………….

  2. The biscuit trick is just the tip of the iceberg.
    Hope things work out for them & Ben and the good relationship continues…….WEB

  3. Our dog gets told it place to sleep and it’s not on our bed, we went through that with the ‘old boy’ but we still haven’t cracked the food stealing though.
    There would be no point putting up a sign, she knows all she needs to know by reading my mind, she seems to operate by ESP.
    Do you do rehab, can I send her round to see how it should be done

  4. Our dog is banned from sleeping on the bed because he farts and woofs in his sleep. And on the list of reaons why pets are better than kids you forgot to add:
    – You can leave them in the house while you leg it to the pub and no one will call social services.
    – They do not ask ‘are we nearly there yet?’ every three minutes on a car journey.
    – They do not come home rat arsed and repeatedly throw up over the bedroom carpet.

  5. It’s a lonely ol’ life. Just me and me dog!

  6. Some dogs are food stealers, just replacing how they cope in the wild with the deprivations of the household wilderness that is comfort central. With one my old retired dogs, crafty sod, we had to get a small contact alarm put on the fridge as he loved to take out the cheese.

  7. This is absolutely briliiant and so very true, the worst for me is getting down the stairs first thing in a morning because Holly stops half way usually in front of me, one of these days I am going to go the length and end up at the bottom…xx

  8. “we had to get a small contact alarm put on the fridge as he loved to take out the cheese.”


    Only one, the old girl, sleeps on the bed now (we had to get a 6×6’6 to account for two small humans and a small dog, but the new pup’s turning into a right terror, ripping up the roses from the planters.

    Keep ’em coming WEB.

  9. 12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children


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