• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.

London Olympics opening ceremony 2012

 OPENING CEREMONYThe flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava, hoodie and track suit bottoms. The flame will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof of the stadium.

THE EVENTS

In previous Olympic Games, East London’s competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT

Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes. Anyone who makes it, unharmed, to the alleyways around the Isle of Dogs wins a medal.
              
110 METRES HURDLES

As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING

Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

SHOOTING

A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS

Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy’s boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT

As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Samoan rugby team, who will attempt to reclaim his possession.

MODERN PENTATHLON

This event has been amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, competitive shouting of  “oi oi” and “‘allo darlin'”, joyriding, arson and loitering near the offy.

THE MARATHON

A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN’S 50 KM WALK

Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London with such an obvious hip swing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So Solid Crew.
              
The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by a confused Millwall organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping & wiring and the central heating boiler.

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One Response

  1. Marathon course? Perhaps 249 circuits of the exercise yard at HMP Brixton?

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