• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.

Education before incarceration.

To compliment and expand on the educational workshops where a driver who contravenes a red traffic light or is caught speeding can receive three hours of chit chat without the points added to their driving licence, the CTCC has come up with a great new engagement initiative to try to reduce the repeat instances of domestic harmony imbalance that require Policing intervention with the introduction of  community workshops instead of attending court to get bound over to be of good behaviour or a caution for a minor offence or have the allegation withdrawn and no proceedings take place despite the work involved in admin and preparation.

A fictional CTCC spokes person said, “Education before incarceration will be the way forward. The time saved by officers deployed for endless hours in custody units, taking statements that are later retracted as well as the saving in administrative hours incurred will allow for our officers to be better utilised by being deployed on other relevant and strategic targets or intelligence led operations and therefore making our communities safer” 

This should go someway towards raising the profile of the CTCC and widening the strategic involvement within the community.

AVAILABLE NOW – EVENING WORKSHOPS FOR MEN ALL WELCOME

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two three hour sessions spread over two evenings on a weekday, a supper will be provided, as will instructions as how to take supper from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.

Topics covered on this course include:

DAY ONE TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics.)

DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate amongst a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL Losing the remote – Helpline and support groups.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting – Open forum.

DAY TWO EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play.

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation.

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation and anger management.

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Role playing and slideshow.

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Also a brief session on how to incorporate shopping and watching sport on the same day.

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary.

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counsellors available (male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course.)

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5 Responses

  1. In the interests of balance, for us ladies maybe they could provide the following:

    KEEPING QUIET DURING THE FOOTBALL/RUGBY/CRICKET : Idle chit chat has it’s place, but NOT during any sporting event. Tips and hints on how to otherwise occupy yourself.

    SPIDERS ARE NOT VENOMOUS IN THE UK : Subtitled “Squishing a spider will not make you die”. Demonstration on best practice when dealing with such clearly lethal home-invaders.

    HE’LL NEVER REMEMBER WHICH DAY THE BIN GOES OUT, JUST TELL HIM STRAIGHT: Step by step guide to giving effective instruction to your male partner at an appropriate time (like before he strips for bed) on which bin goes out and when. He may also need reminded that the empty bin needs brought in.

    TRAINING YOUR MAN ON LEAVING THE SEAT DOWN : Another step by step guide. Best done in a similar manner to puppy training. Lots of encouragement, the odd treat, and rub their nose in any mistakes.

    DEALING WITH SNORING : Brief anatomy lecture pointing out the best places to dig a sharp elbow / knuckle to force him to roll over. Doctor Finklemann will also describe why snoring happens and why it’s really not his fault (sometimes). Followed by “A woman’s guide to shoving the drunken bum right off the edge of the bed”.

    THE QUESTIONS NO WOMAN SHOULD ASK : An exhaustive list of things you’re better off not asking, including “Does my bum look big in this” and “Which of these outfits do you prefer”. For the sake of marital harmony, only ask questions to which you really, really, want an honest answer.

    See, we’re big girls, we can take a joke. Mostly. Depending on the phase of the moon, the price of cosmetics and whether or not we’re having a bad hair day.

  2. Should you have a single candidate successfully pass all elements of that curriculuum, please can you pass on my contact details?

  3. two more tips for women .

    Squeeze the END of the toothpaste tube not the middle.
    A man will not remember what your friend, sister neighbour, was wearing when he saw them across the road in town. Don’t ask.

  4. SHOPPING WITH FEMALE COMPANION:
    The A-Z tranquillizer guide. Feigning sincerity and body language strategies. 100 ways to respond to “What do you think to this dress?” when your opinion counts for zilch. The Aisle Code and managing trolley rage. January sales (for advanced students only).
    IRONING COURSES:
    Physics of superheated steam. Home treatments for scalds and burns.
    WASHING MACHINE COURSES:
    What do these buttons do? – overcoming techno fear for novices. Organic chemistry and mathematical models for bio wash and fabric conditioner dosage.

  5. :-D

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