To compliment and expand on the educational workshops where a driver who contravenes a red traffic light or is caught speeding can receive three hours of chit chat without the points added to their driving licence, the CTCC has come up with a great new engagement initiative to try to reduce the repeat instances of domestic harmony imbalance that require Policing intervention with the introduction of community workshops instead of attending court to get bound over to be of good behaviour or a caution for a minor offence or have the allegation withdrawn and no proceedings take place despite the work involved in admin and preparation.
A fictional CTCC spokes person said, “Education before incarceration will be the way forward. The time saved by officers deployed for endless hours in custody units, taking statements that are later retracted as well as the saving in administrative hours incurred will allow for our officers to be better utilised by being deployed on other relevant and strategic targets or intelligence led operations and therefore making our communities safer”
This should go someway towards raising the profile of the CTCC and widening the strategic involvement within the community.
AVAILABLE NOW – EVENING WORKSHOPS FOR MEN ALL WELCOME
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two three hour sessions spread over two evenings on a weekday, a supper will be provided, as will instructions as how to take supper from its packaging without a woman to hold it for you.
Topics covered on this course include:
DAY ONE TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practising with hamper (pictures and graphics.)
DISHES & CUTLERY; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate amongst a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL Losing the remote – Helpline and support groups.
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting – Open forum.
DAY TWO EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play.
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation.
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one man who did.
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation and anger management.
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Role playing and slideshow.
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques. Also a brief session on how to incorporate shopping and watching sport on the same day.
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class, NOT your secretary.
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counsellors available (male counsellors sadly unavailable-none passed training course.)
Filed under: Uncategorized
In the interests of balance, for us ladies maybe they could provide the following:
KEEPING QUIET DURING THE FOOTBALL/RUGBY/CRICKET : Idle chit chat has it’s place, but NOT during any sporting event. Tips and hints on how to otherwise occupy yourself.
SPIDERS ARE NOT VENOMOUS IN THE UK : Subtitled “Squishing a spider will not make you die”. Demonstration on best practice when dealing with such clearly lethal home-invaders.
HE’LL NEVER REMEMBER WHICH DAY THE BIN GOES OUT, JUST TELL HIM STRAIGHT: Step by step guide to giving effective instruction to your male partner at an appropriate time (like before he strips for bed) on which bin goes out and when. He may also need reminded that the empty bin needs brought in.
TRAINING YOUR MAN ON LEAVING THE SEAT DOWN : Another step by step guide. Best done in a similar manner to puppy training. Lots of encouragement, the odd treat, and rub their nose in any mistakes.
DEALING WITH SNORING : Brief anatomy lecture pointing out the best places to dig a sharp elbow / knuckle to force him to roll over. Doctor Finklemann will also describe why snoring happens and why it’s really not his fault (sometimes). Followed by “A woman’s guide to shoving the drunken bum right off the edge of the bed”.
THE QUESTIONS NO WOMAN SHOULD ASK : An exhaustive list of things you’re better off not asking, including “Does my bum look big in this” and “Which of these outfits do you prefer”. For the sake of marital harmony, only ask questions to which you really, really, want an honest answer.
See, we’re big girls, we can take a joke. Mostly. Depending on the phase of the moon, the price of cosmetics and whether or not we’re having a bad hair day.
Should you have a single candidate successfully pass all elements of that curriculuum, please can you pass on my contact details?
two more tips for women .
Squeeze the END of the toothpaste tube not the middle.
A man will not remember what your friend, sister neighbour, was wearing when he saw them across the road in town. Don’t ask.
SHOPPING WITH FEMALE COMPANION:
The A-Z tranquillizer guide. Feigning sincerity and body language strategies. 100 ways to respond to “What do you think to this dress?” when your opinion counts for zilch. The Aisle Code and managing trolley rage. January sales (for advanced students only).
IRONING COURSES:
Physics of superheated steam. Home treatments for scalds and burns.
WASHING MACHINE COURSES:
What do these buttons do? – overcoming techno fear for novices. Organic chemistry and mathematical models for bio wash and fabric conditioner dosage.