• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.

PC John Nash

A police officer that had only been in the job for six days was lucky to survive after a six inch twig went through his eye socket and touched his brain following a chase through a Heywood estate.

If you are squeemish please don’t look down the page of the post near the bottom.  (for all you who are easily shocked)  This just adds to the risks involved within the role performed by officers on the streets.

PC John Nash was in an unmarked police car following two other cars which were being driven erratically on Walton Close. One of the cars was abadoned and PC Nash gave chase on foot. During the chase he slipped and slid into a bush. One of the branches went through his eye and snapped to leave a six inch twig sticking out of his face.

He continued the chase and was able to arrest one of the getaway drivers, who told him about the horrific state of his eye and that he needed to get to hospital.

He was taken to Fairfield Hospital in Bury by his colleagues before being transferred to Royal Blackburn for three hours of surgery to remove the broken stick.

Doctors discovered that the twig had gone through his eye-lid, broken his cheek bone and stopped against his brain. Following surgery PC Nash retained some of the sight to the eye and doctors are hopeful that he may make a full recovery.

I sincerely hope that he does make a full and speedy recovery.

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PC Nash, who had only been in the force for six days, slipped on a muddy lawn and slid head-first into a bush

Rachel Stevens, important message.

Steady on now.

Luck of the draw.

Having been drawn out of the hat in what wass claimed to be a transparent and fair draw, I had the pleasure of visiting the hallowed and sacred ground at HQ to give a bit of a talk from the Dog perspective to those willing and keen Police staff who staff the communications suite on one of their training and awareness days. They are kept up to date with the latest of the CTCC’s missives, missions and trendy new-speak directives.  A few experienced words to let them know what things are important in the world of specialist canine support so they can fit this into the structure they face when deciding which units to deploy.

Apart from the unfortunate timing of my visit, first thing after lunch, it was clear that some of us in ‘the big room’ had varying agendas. Mine was not to sleep off my free lunch.

Whilst I might not see the importance of quickly allocating a resource to attend any specific job, time is one of the most important things that we dog handlers have on our minds if there is to be any scope for us to make the best use of our canine colleagues.

For the audience, time is vital because they have to allocate a resource because they have a target to hit for allocation of a resource to a job. If we cannot hit the target then they are under-performing against the activity matrix. Part of the communications activity matrix is directly based around the false and unrealistic promises from their mission statement. False and unrealistic for those who have to work there, corporate and strategic for those who dream up the mission statement in the first place without full realisation of some of the operational hurdles that the people in the real world have to face.

For the dog handlers, time is important because of the scent deterioration due to time exposure.

Somewhere between the two there is some common ground but time exposure at a scene is not as important as hitting the target for allocation of a resource to a attend a scene, even if that resources is a long way away and already has a backlog of jobs allocated.

That’s the really good thing about targets. They are great for obtaining one small part of the picture but totally unsuitable to getting a clearer sense of the total package. They take one point without the wider context of how this target negatively affects other areas.

I decided to stick with the easy stuff, K.I.S.S. Keep it  simple stupid,  hence the trusty T.S.B. For us this is track, search, bite. The bones of what we do.

I began to sense the signs of people not really wanting to be here so remained attached firmly to the easy and straightforward, with speed of thought towards the important things for dog handlers, when we attend at a scene we want to have the chances to use our specialist skills and not just attend to fill out the crime forms because we are deemed to be a resource.  Also we don’t know the numbers to ring to log crime information into the latest computer software package. This got lost on those who have the privilege of their air conditioned space and comfy seats and matters of relative importance within this environment. This seemed to be where the common ground ended.

Its good to talk, as they say, and polite to listen. Unless we get a morning slot in the future before the afternoon nap, forget it.

T.W.I.M.C.

I have recently had occasion to seek the services of the vet for a canine companion and have found the reception from the veterinary nurses to be excellent. This is not the first time and although the circumstances were totally different, the response was the same. Caring, professional and efficient. Lots of us could learn a lesson or two from these people, at least the ones I have met.

To whom it might concern, also to veterinary nurses every where, accept my thanks. Some of our hospitals could some lessons from these people.

The secret cloak.

The evasive and deflective twisting and turning of the MP’s who want everyone else to play by the rules and recommendations they set has taken another twist and turn for the worse by the seemingly endless cloak of secrecy and deflection tactics to prevent the populous actually knowing how much we are sustaining the financial gravy train the British taxpayer allows them the best seats on. 

They will further mock voters with a new rulebook allowing them to carry on squandering cash on furniture and home improvements if they get their way.

They seem to go to any end possible to prevent people knowing exactly how generous and detailed their self appointed allowances and expenses package is.

When they remind everyone about accountability, honesty, transparency and decency how on earth can they have the two faced nerve to try to cover up the luxury in benefits they have entitled themselves to and enjoyed for far too long. Makes one want to throw up over their heads when they step out from behind the cloak of secrecy they hide behind.

Whilst everyone else sits on the hard seats, it seems that the MP’s have all the cushions, as well as the secrecy screens pulled around themselves so no one else can see what they do.  It appears that the majority of them do not want anyone to know how they claim off the taxpayers and I wonder why.

These people are the privileged few and hold responsibility for their claimed purpose or role. This responsibility appears to have become confused with how exempt from accountability and important they think they are. So many seem to take the piss out of those whose hard earned taxes allow them the luxury of their more than generous allowances without accountability of telling what our money is spent on.

M & S support.

Having been patrolling the school grounds that border the edge of the Britannia Estate I have managed to find where the high security fencing has been breached but replaced to look like it is intact.

This fencing is an effort to prevent the bad guys getting in but is a big handicap to prevent the good guys getting in when they need to try to catch the bad guys. I hear that there is a bit of a follow going on and the district response involved regularly turn up stuff because they are good at what they do. I head back to my van and head towards the locations given, following events as they unfold. These guys are good, very good, they think on their feet and ask for supporting units to move around in support. In times gone by comms would do this because they had that kind of knowledge one needed to do it, but not any more it seems.

The update comes over the radio and it appears that 5 of the 7  have had it away on their toes and legged it. The follow went out of town but managed to stop it whilst heading back in. Response have caught one and another is unable to get out of the car in time to evade capture. The one they have got is wanted, the one who was unable to get out of the car, or was prevented from getting out by the self preservation of his alleged mates, has calmed down but is still gobbing off in trusted belligerent Britannia fashion. We think the car is pinched and other units are doing their best to find out.

Upon my arrival I find out the relevant updates and ignore the shouts of the idiot who somehow assumes that I need a dog to kick his handcuffed arse already in a nearby Police car.

As I harness up my friend to begin tracking the ones who have gone the dog tries to pull me towards the road side hedge. Despite the efforts I finish buckling up and in seconds and only a matter of a few yards the low guttural growl breaks into a loud and spontaneous bark the heralds the invitation to come out before the dog comes in to visit, all less than 10 yards from the vehicle and to the surprise of the officers stood surprisingly close.

After the official handing over we are off along the road side verge back the way we came until crossing over and entering the steep wooded hillside that was the chosen escape route with a nice panoramic view of the goings on less than 300 yards away. With all the flashing lights it must have looked like the fair had rolled into this small deserted place in the middle of nowhere.

The outstanding 4 had been watching the proceedings and had not expected what they had not seen, the low black shadowy figure moving purposely towards them. At about 25 yards it was simply too close for comfort so the crashing about in total darkness, in a heavily wooded and steep hillside, meant that there would be no subtle and furtive evasion.

The whine of excitement gave way to a shouted challenge before my small dark friend took off up the hillside through the woods and the darkness with me in pursuit of the noises. As I pushed my way through the face slapping branches, in the distance, I could hear the reassuring barks that told me that someone had been found. The quarry had been hunted and captured.

I simply had to follow the noise until I could get to the sound. Then I realise that I had lost my torch. I moved around to behind my friend and could then see the horizon light above the bouncing and barking madness. I grabbed my friend and identified myself as well as offering a friendly message of what not to do to avoid some rather impressive canine dentistry.

With my friend now on a collar by my side the quarry slowly stood up, silhouetted against the horizon.

Not one, not two, not three, but four. Four figures like thieves in the night. None wanting to make the first mistaken move. None wanting to be the one with the back up escape plan.

We escorted them back towards the wooded hillside to be joined by the troops who were, as is the norm, eternally grateful for that special type of support that only four legs can supply.

This was not just any specialist dog support, this was M & S specialist dog  support.

Sumo.

We have another new initiative at the CTCC. We at the support services department are going to be inundated with Sumo’s as part of the new leadership team’s effort to get us doing all that is right and proper, despite our leader’s pledge to rid us of this evil that is bureaucracy. They have taken the step to move us from teams into groups, to make us more effective. Our leaders are now the only ones in teams as this sounds far more corporate and strategic whilst the bottom dwellers have been moved into groups, or perhaps herded into groups.

We got Sumo’s.

Not a number of large and robust oriental wrestler types trying to force each other out of a small rope circle, but Ssu’MOS.

Or to give it the trendy name,  Specialist Support Management Output Statistics…………… hence S-Su- M-O-S, shortened to SsUMOS.

We will have to record everything we do, keep a log on a weekly basis and submit monthly figures to our line supervisors, formerly Sergeants, by the 6th of the following month so it is available for the leadership team meeting. From there we can be identified as supporting the brand or as workshy, incompetent slackers. This new strategic method of recording will enable us to justify our existence, although some sceptics may say that it is another leadership tool that allows for the troops to managed by one person from behind one desk.

Effective and efficient for the leader but a damn sight more time consuming and inconvenient for those who will have to complete said statistical documentation. That is if there are enough computers terminals available to get the job done.

I dare say that the only wrestling taking place will be by the legions of personal assistants who will be grappling with the statistical data inputted for the benefit of the desktop leaders as they assemble their brigades for the next tactical period directives.

Don’t even mention trust and experience as it seems that we cannot be trusted to work some things out for ourselves.

From the data we will submit, for the benefit of someone else as usual, there is no account for the time it will take to complete these new, wonderful and totally auditable forms. We will be judged on what our leadership perceives to be their idea of core functions in an effort to be seen to be making us better performers in the target and statistics charts. Our perceived downtime will no longer be filled with things that only those who work with animals can understand, as we can apparently be far better utilised elsewhere in direct support of the far bigger plan.

We cannot evaluate our own best use of ‘non-committed’ time for directed patrols at the latest crime hot-spots, some training with our canine companions or district support and must now explain why we are not supporting the latest strategic tasking as allocated by one of the legion of intel analysts. Not only do we have to tell them what we are not doing, but also tell them why we are not doing it.

I feel the need for an Indian head massage coming on.

Perhaps we will follow suit and introduce these as well or we will invest the money in increasing our spin levels to promote the brand.

Someone has to finish last.

Strategic planning based on new wisdom.

The SLT at the CTCC have based their new strategic planning on the tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, which says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In the Public Service, like the CTCC however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Change riders. Have a pool of suitably unqualified but preferred riders.

2. Buy a bigger, stronger whip. Have a store of unsuitable, smaller whips just in case.

3. Do nothing: “This is the way we have always ridden dead horses” but deny their is anything wrong.

3. Do nothing: “This is the way we have always ridden dead horses” but deny their is anything wrong.

4. Visit other Forces to see how they ride dead horses.

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse’s performance. Amend rider selection policies to include social groups who are under represented.

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse and add an unrealistic performance criteria matrix without clear and understood remit.

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed.

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance. Create multi-agency support for dead horse victim groups.

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is. Set up a working  party and review committee to assist with evaluation and to make recommendations for effective performance review of the committee and working party.10. Re-classify the dead horse as “living-impaired”.

11. Develop a Strategic Plan for the management of dead horses and create a new level of leadership to ensure this is led and managed effectively.

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses.

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses.

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses. Efficiency savings can be identified (in real terms) and budgetary levels adjusted.

15. There will be some excellent career development enhancing evidence in there somewhere. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

ack – Theo

 

16.Refuse to accept the horse is dead. Rename it,Move it to a different location. Hope no one notices.

 

ack  Officer Dibble

Women V’s Dogs

1.The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you may have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re always ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. You can even sell one or two if you want to.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. A fun day out for a dog is a day in a field chasing a ball, every day.

14. Dogs are ready to go out after a quick scratch and a shake and do not need to check themselves 7 times in the mirror to see how they look.

And last, but not least:

15. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff, scratch you car bodywork or cut up most of your clothes.

If you really want to know who loves you more, put your wife & your dog in the boot of the car for ½ an hour and see who’s happy to see you when you let ‘em out!

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