1 . Two blondes walk into a building………..you’d think at least one
of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message – ‘….If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…’
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.’
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said,
‘No, the steaks are too high.’
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7 . A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, ‘Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!’
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
9.. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it.’
12. ‘Doc I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home’ ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
‘Is it common?’ ‘It’s not unusual.’
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. ‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”Well,’ said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’ So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’
14. Guy goes into the doctor’s. ‘Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.”How’s that?’ ‘Don’t you start.’
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’
I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad,
Or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other ‘Your round.’ The other
one says ‘So are you, you fat bast**d!’
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said, ‘Well don’t go there anymore’
23. Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
as digging continues into the night
Filed under: Uncategorized
You will probably like this:
http://www.mkccc.com/humour/t.htm
Nice ones, WEB!
Yes very funny.
The laugh is I could not understand the first one at all. I had to read it about 5-6 times before I realised what the joke was.
And yes, I AM BLONDE!!!
Nice, a few in there i hadn’t seen before. Surprised at the lack of police jokes though!
“I don’t know what to do about my dog. All he ever does is chase people on a bike.”
“Well take the bike off him then.”
WEB, Baaaaad jokes. Loved em!
Whats brown and runs round the garden?
A fence!
hehe… some classics. Heres another:
What do you call a frenchman that wears sandals?
Felippe Foloppe
Bloke is talking to a Camel……….”Why do you have those humps on your back?, transparent eyelids? and a fur coat?”
The Camel replies……..”Well there isn’t much water in the desert so I store them in my humps, when a sandstorm blows I can close my eyes to protect them from the sand; and still see where I am going and as for the fur coat, temperatures fall below freezing in the desert at night. All this enables me to get my master to the Oasis.”
“Well, thats amazing mate. So what the F*%k are you doing in Paignton Zoo then?”
Vincent van Gogh, cut his ear off.
When asked why, he replied, “what! eh! pardon?”
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? – dung
What’s the worst thing about a colostomy? – Finding shoes to match the bag
A sailor spent the night with a ‘lady’ and not being very pleased with her ‘professional performance’ left a 50p piece on her dressing table. ‘That won’t cover it’ she complained. ‘Well’ said the sailor, ‘Neither would a dustbin lid’
A woman on her wedding night saw her husband naked for the first time. He was quite tall, but also quite ‘short.’ Who are you going to satisfy with that ?’ she asked. Without pausing for thought he replied, -’Me’
Cedric and Cecil had a bit of a row at home and Cecil stormed out . He went to the shopping centre and after looking around he felt he had been a bit hasty with Cedric and he decided he would buy him a present, a white leather zip up jacket. He rushed home and found Cedric over the sink doing the washing up. He sneaked up behind him, draped the jacket over his shoulders and asked ‘Do you like the jerkin?’ and Cedric replied, ‘Stand closer I can’t feel anything yet’.
I’ll get my coat…..
Very funny. Was in a pub the other day when a blind man walked in and said to the bar staff, “I have this terrific blonde joke to tell you.” The barmaid said, “I am a blonde bodybuilder, the person standing next to you is a blonde weightlifter and the person stood behind you is a blonde wrestling champion. Now, are you sure you want to tell that joke?” The blind man thought for a moment and then said, “Not if I have to tell it three times.”
A good, funny, blog and all the better for breaking several of the taboos set up by the humour hating squads. However, be aware for that 4am knock on the door!
Two Irishmen wake up in bed together, one says to the other, “I don’t think much of this wifeswapping, do you?”
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other one ‘You drive, I’l man the gun’
My friend. I regret to have to inform you that you have been successful in our prize draw, and as such, you have been tagged. Please see my site for full details. I do believe that an apology is in order, so……..Sorry!
Just checking in on you W.E.B., you’re missed out here.
Hello mate – I see you’ve been done (Tagged) but I did it anyway.
Thanks for the comment – and I agree it’s scandalous.
When the shoe comes off and we need help quickly, where are senior management? In bed of course, or on the golf range. That is when the dog units are worth their weight in gold… But as you’ve also noticed, what you prevented by your presence can’t be monitored or recorded by SMT.