Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The stairway was not designed by Formula 1 and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you will ever run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm and takes the piss.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, whinge or try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years — canine or feline attendance / supervision is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don’t!
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don’t ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Never lie or talk back to you.
7. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends.
8. Don’t smoke or drink.
9. Don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
10. Don’t wear your clothes.
11. Don’t need a gazillion pounds for college, and…
12. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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