• What You Measure is What You Get.

    Einstein : Not everything that can be counted counts. And not everything that counts can be counted.
  • About me.

    I know enough to know that at 04.00am it gets dark out on the streets. It has done this for the last twenty odd years, to my knowledge and will probably continue for the forseeable future. At some stage in this ‘future’ I shall retire and probably won’t give a damn if it still gets dark at 04.00am. Until then I shall be out there, somewhere, lurking in the shadows because someone, somewhere will be doing stuff they shouldn’t and then, well then I will introduce myself. In the meanwhile I shall try to remain sane and remember why I joined in the first place and try to ignore all the people who piss me off by making the job more complicated than it should be.
  • Opinions

    Any opinions contained in posts are mine and mine alone. Many of them will not be those of any Police Force, Police Organisation or Police Service around this country. The opinions are based on many years of working within the field of practical operational Police work and reflect the desire to do things with the minimum of interference by way of duplication for the benefit of others who themselves do not do the same job. I recognise that we all perform a wide range of roles and this is essential to make the system work. If you don’t like what you see remember you are only one click on the mouse away from leaving. I accept no responsibility for the comments left by others.
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  • C.T.C. Constabulary.

    A Strategic Community Diversity Partnership. We are cutting bureaucracy and reducing the recording of target and monitoring related statistics. Our senior leaders will drive small, economical cars from our fleet surplus to save money to invest in better equipment for our frontline response officers. We are investing money to reinstate station canteens for the benefits of those 24/7 response officers. We have a pursuit policy. The message is that if you commit an offence and use a vehicle, we will follow you and stop you if necessary. It is your duty to stop when the lights and sirens are on. We take account of the findings of the Force questionnaire and are reducing the administration and management levels and returning these officers to frontline response duties. We insist on a work-life balance. We have no political masters. We are implimenting selection processes that take account of an individuals skills and proven abilities for the job. Our senior leaders will have one foot in reality and still possess the operational Policing skills they have long forgotton about and seldom used. All ranks are Police Officers first and specialists second. We will impliment career development and performance evaluation monitoring of our leaders by those officers who operate under that leadership. The most important role is that of Constable. All other roles are there to positively support the role and the responsibility of Constable and the duties performed.
  • Whichendbites

    “We trained very hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we would be reorganised. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising. It can be a wonderful method of creating the illusion of progress while creating confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.”......Petronius
  • Just so.

    Taxation is just a sophisticated way of demanding money with menaces.
  • Reality.

    Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
  • Rank V’s Responsibility

    Don't confuse your idea of how important you are with the responsibility of your role.
  • Meetings.

    If you had to identify, in one word, why we will never achieve our full potential, Meetings would be that word.
  • There is always a bigger picture.

    When there is no answer to your problem, there is always deflection from the need to justify giving an answer.

Dog Bites…..ouch.

The next time you hear someone shouting these words’

“Police Officer with a dog, stop or I’ll send the dog “

Exactly what should you do ?

Choose your answer and your subsequent actions carefully.

Is it

Answer A: Ignore them, they’re only bullshitting you. Run off.

Answer B: Even if there is a dog I can either outrun it or hide. Run off.

Answer C: I’d better stop as instructed. If there is a Police Dog and it bites me it will hurt and probably land me up at the nearest acident and emergency department.

Answer D: Shout at them “Come on you bastard send you’re f+*^”g dog, I can take him and you as well”. Don’t run off but stay and fight.

See here for the correct answer.


Nice one Mr. Copperfield.

I think I would suggest answer C:

Whoever said History was boring ?

Some true facts…………IN THE 1500′S

The next time washing your hands and complaining because the water temperature isn’t just right, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

These are interesting….

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don’t throw the baby out with the Bath water..

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying . It’s raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, ‘Dirt poor’. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen
table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be ‘saved by the bell’ or was considered a ‘dead ringer.’

Whoever said History was boring ? ? ?

Less paperwork ????

Crime in England and Wales has remained stable during the past year, according to Home Office figures. Police recorded the first fall in overall violence in eight years, but drug offences and robbery went up. The figures also indicate 24-hour drinking laws have not changed rates of alcohol-fuelled crime, but have merely shifted incidents to the early hours.

The Home Office said it needed to boost public confidence in statistics because 65% believed crime was rising. On publishing the annual figures the Home Office said it needed to rethink how it describes some crimes after an independent report last year warned the public do not understand the statistics, leading to a loss in confidence.

Ministers say they want a debate on what makes a violent crime because some of the offences currently classed as violent do not involve injuries.

They also said crime rates varied so much from area to area that police forces would soon start publishing local monthly crime figures to give the public a better idea of what was happening, they added.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said: “One of the biggest challenges we face is that public perceptions of crime levels remain high. Every community faces its own unique challenges when it comes to crime.”

The home secretary said information on local crime would become more accessible.

Announcing a new crime strategy, Ms Smith said from next July everyone would have access to a street-by-street “story of crime” in their area from local police data posted on the internet.

So exactly what does this all mean??

One thing is for sure, contrary to the Governments claim to want to reduce the variety of paperwork we do only one thing is certain. This is going to increase the need for statistical information.

So who, exactly, will be submitting all this extra paperwork ??

Need you ask. It will end up sinking down towards the bottom dwellers.

Meanwhile, police chiefs have been criticised by a committee of MPs who concluded giving police forces extra cash had not helped reduce crime. The Home Affairs select committee found the drop in levels of crime had taken place before the injection of funds began. In real terms, police budgets went up in England and Wales by 40% from £8.5bn in 1996/7 to £12bn in 2006/7 and the number of officers rose by 11%, according to a report by the committee.

But its acting chairman, David Winnick, said: “We know the police have had a major increase in funding over the past decade but it is much more difficult to tell what they have done with it.”

Read into that what you may.

visa rules ?

Visa rules?

United States: Overstay your visa and you are banned from returning for six years.

Britain: Overstay your visa and your MP works hard to prevent you from leaving!

Why is Britain always the soft touch!?!

Got this from Not Proud Of Britain (But Would Like To Be)

3rd world bomb squad

Border Police.

So Mr Brown recommends a new Border Police, from multi-agency type of approach. Great news. This will help with immigration and the like, I’m sure. But then again perhaps not.

We know where every untaxed car is in the country, located amongst all the millions of cars there are on the roads withn the UK, allegedly. We are able to clamp and then seize offending cars, as well as prosecute the owners.

We haven’t a clue where almost all of the illegal immigrants and other unwelcome visitors or overstayers are. This includes the terrorists, potential terrorists and their misplaced sympathisers, supporters and accomplices.

Perhaps we should get the DVLA in charge of immigration.

One of the better nights.

I’m driving around an area that has been hit hard with burglaries during the night. The crime analyst shows us that the offences are between 1900 and 0400, thats 7pm and 4am in old money. I have just moved from one series of lanes, alleyways and footpaths towards another. I narrow the times down to changeover and perceived grub times.

My radio crackles into life…………”burglary in progress at number 46, occupier away on holiday, neighbour has heard smashing glass from the rear and can hear noises inside”

I stop, quickly, silently as I can despite the pile of deisel shite I’m in, kill the lights and think quietly to myself ‘pinch me’. I tell comms where I am and then PR off. Even right down low it makes too much noise. Certainly too much noise for the sharp hearing senses of the intruder.

I look to the side, can’t see any numbers of the houses but must be close. Me and matey are out low profiling along the walls, I see a number, its 26, christ I can’t believe how close I am. Ten houses away, lucky for me, I am on the right side of the road, even luckier. Get to 46, front gate open, dim light moving inside and shadowy figure moving throught the glazed door. I’m in through the gate, along the side of the house towards the back door, matey begins to whine, he knows something is about to happen. Dogs can sense things like this.

As I get to the back door, which has been pushed closed but not shut, matey boy in sorting through stuff on the kitchen worktop. I decide I can get through the door into the kitchen and his only route out will be through the door into the hallway which is open. I consider waiting until someone is at the front. Bingo, he closes the door to get something out of a cupboard.

Now is the time for my introduction. My boot goes onto the centre rail of the door, which crashes open, matey boy tries to run but his feet seem glued to the spot, several yards seem like half a mile but he is mine. I shout, my mate shouts too, in his own way, suddenly its that look again, the one that I know. My mate is right there, in an instant. The eyes are the windows into the mind and once the realisation is clear that hospital attention is a worse alternative than a cosy small room, a few signatures and free meals I am in control. My mate hates dwelling burglars as much as I do. Compliance is the only choice, exactly. He’s on the floor, safe unless he decides to try to escape or decides to have a pop. I tell him what will happen if he doesn’t comply. The deterrant is only inches away, and he knows. He’s on the floor until the response arrive to search him and his baggage, we’ve hit the jackpot. Gear from several breaks including from a mate of colleague.

Repeat dwelling burglar, breaches bail on more than one occasion and still gets the luxury of his liberty to allow him to continue to burgle peoples homes. They are not houses they are homes. He has no respect for this, he doesn’t care for this, he does what he needs to do to get his sorry ass through the next day after he trades his booty for what is important to him. He has neither conscience nor remorse, they relate not to him. He is driven by other demons that he tries to justify the unjustifiable. Suddenly, to some, he appears to be the victim. Some people feel sadness for him, even sorry for him. The offender is the drug, not the person.

Not so the people who have had him inside their homes, not them, definately not them.

Something is seriously wrong for this to be the case. But later that morning I know I won’t sleep well. I’m too excited to sleep. Last night will have been one of the better nights. Another night’s pensionable service. This one certainly was.

BECOMING A MAN – degree course


A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be
interested in: Becoming a Real Man.

That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a
real man as well as earn an MA degree. (Male Arts)

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.


Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under Things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120: How NOT to Act like an arse when you’re wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers


Autumn Schedule:

SE#X 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SE#X 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SE#X 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down
(Elective) (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:

EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Constantly, and I mean constantly,

Well I have heard (again) that the Government wants to reduce bureaucracy, reduce paperwork and get us out onto the streets more. After all, thats what the public want. Thats the way to deter crime and increase public confidence and the feeling of safety. How many times have we heard this before.

The problem is that all these efforts to do this seem to be utter rubbish. As the tide of reducing paperwork ebbs the tide of accountability and measuring paperwork flows. They don’t even cancel each other out.

The increase in statistical information is the only boom industry we have, all in the name of micro-managing the distrust the management have in the troops and the efforts to justify how they manage us. There are positive efforts to ensure that this information is submitted daily, weekly or monthly, depending for when the next management meeting is likely to be.

More time than ever is being used to complete and submit these electronically originated numbers so itis easy for the management to collate them and ‘see’ what we are doing without actually finding out for themselves.

Constantly, and I mean constantly, we are reminded that we are Police Officers but this only seems to apply applies to what Noddy called the ‘bottom feeders’ within the Force. The blame for this doesn’t all rest with the Government, some of it lies with the levels of management who insist that this is the best way forward.

We haven’t really looked forward from the audit commission report, some years past,that regarded constables on the beat as a waste of space and not really productive. They believed them to be an inefficient use of resources. This was because so much of what they did was not measurable within the big business context of how things work.

The efforts seem to be to show how well the machine runs, how efficiently itis maintained and managed without the same regards for what the machine actually does.

Mental Health Hotline.

Mental Health Hotline, this just takes automated call handling to a new level. This is almost as good as the Police automated system.

“Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6.

If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want, stay on the line and we’ll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive it doesn’t matter which button you press, no-one will answer you.

If you are dyslexic press 696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, hang up – all our operators are too busy to talk to you.”


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